As far as brains go, mine are huge!
Ha, ha, just breaking the ice with a little humour. What I actually want to say is that my brain can be an evil, fickle bitch. Finicky. Faulty even.
Nope, not an exagerration.
Those of you that have followed since the beginning of the first blog know that a few years back I went through an emotional breakdown of sorts. It was probably one of the best things that ever happened to me. Yes, you read that right … it set off a chain of events that forced me to put myself first for the first time in my life. Properly first. Not spoiling myself, or shopping or being a brat – but truly looking after myself, emotionally, physically and mentally by taking steps to work out the stuff that bogs you down. I don’t want to rehash it all, its all well documented via the world wide web in blog one and a bit in blog two. But that time forced me to realize that I am not invincible and that perhaps there were steps I could take to help make this life a little more even. I had always felt a little on the outside of everything and everyone. While I connected easily with people I never really felt the same as everyone else or a sense of belonging because I was like minded with my family or friends or peers through those years. When I look back with what I know now I think I was probably having these issues as early as twelve and thirteen. Who knows.
The last couple of weeks I haven’t felt myself again. It happens from time to time. The blessing (or problem, depending how you look at it) is that I am so self aware now after this whole experience that quite quickly I am aware of what is happening and so I know to force myself to try and change my environment which will help (hopefully) to change my thinking. I know that I need to force that cheery brightness that is now sluggish and dull because it doesn’t want to come naturally like it usually does. Its ok to give into hiding out at home alone for a few days but I know what happens if I give into that for too long. I know to say out loud (usually to Chico) that things aren’t quite right and then I know that if I dont manage to push myself back to being myself that he will step in and make sure I do the things that need to be done. Its a bit of insurance. I know that if I do not force myself outside into the world that eventually he will force me to. I am lucky to have a best friend. We have both been in similar but very different situations and been on opposite sides of the things you do to save a best friend. Who knew that when we met in 1984 (? he will argue that date) would provide such lifelong impacts on a boy who played basketball and a girl who just chased boys.
As I said, I know I need to get myself out and about when I dont feel like that sunshiny girl the real Kelly is. My neighbourhood is always a great place for that step. I can be completely alone in my thoughts but not actually alone. I can be out and about around people, strangers that offer no harm or hurt feelings to the raw fissures that on a normal day would heal more easily. Junior commands attention and therefore by proximity people talk to me and smile at me and the smile grows out of my lips naturally again.
How can you not smile when your dog is out and about loving the world and taking you along for the ride?
I’m not saying there is anything wrong. Logically I know that life is good. It has its hardships like anyone else’s life but I know I have it good. When my brain decides to defect I start to think negatively first rather than my regular way of facing the world with optimism and hope. It’s so frustrating because it causes me to distrust my first instincts. It causes me to assume that its me rather than others. I cant focus on what is right or wrong or if my feelings are hurt for real or if they just feel hurt because my brain is short circuiting.
The positive thing about not feeling quite right is that it makes me want to write. When my brain is firing all shots the right way I find that I am out and about playing and working and LIVING and hurrying and doing so much stuff that I only really write about snippets of all the stuff Im doing.
Today I slept in. I layed around and cuddled with the furries. One thing that always makes me feel in control is to clean and organize my life (ocd is not a bad word to me, its ok). So I eventually got up, showered, grabbed PapaPug and went into the office.
I cleaned one of my lawyer’s offices (the other one I do continuously out of necessity!), I cleaned my area, I organized some files and cleaned out my email inbox for the first time in ages. All this with Pug at my feet. It felt good.
We left the office and headed to Chapters with the remainder of a gift card I had for their store. I bought myself a Woodwick vanilla bean reed difuser for the apartment and donated the remainder of my gift card to a great cause The Love of Reading Foundation. Reading has brought a lot of peace to this scrambled brain over the years. I have immersed myself in everything from Carver to Piccoult and back to the trash of Judy Collins. Every child should have a chance to develop that passion. This foundation can do that. Ever wonder what to do with that last ten bucks from your gift card or even the last three? Give it to the store for a great cause. Do it!
Anyways, felt like writing. No real destination in mind. As you are walking around with your well brain try to remember that others struggle with that gift of functionality every day. Some don’t even know that they do. They may seem miserable or off or angry or sad. But for sure, they don’t want to be. Its not always a chemistry thing but on the off chance it is, give a person a break now and then.
Much love to you all. Im done here. =)